Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
