youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
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