you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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