Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Is her dick bigger than yours?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
