Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
