Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
