Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
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new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
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I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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