I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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