Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
