I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
