FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
