He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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