I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
No more Irish car bombs ever.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Randomize
