my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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