i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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