i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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