Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
