i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
