I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
