I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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