There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
