um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
