Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
