dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
