Pappa wants mamma naked
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
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i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
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I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
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