So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
