So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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