I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
