just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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