Please, let me fuck your mom
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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