her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
There's always time for handjobs
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Randomize
