and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
There's always time for handjobs
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Randomize
