I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Randomize
