he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
