So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
