i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Randomize
