My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
