If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
