Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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