I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Randomize
