peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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