She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
