I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
