ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
