I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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