My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
