put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
only you would photoshop your dick
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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