im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
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