on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I will be naked everywhere
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Randomize
