this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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