Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Why did my mother make you get naked?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
