i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
