I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
