cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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