last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
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My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
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New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
He's on the porch naked. Help.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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