Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
27 Parents Confess Shocking Secrets Their Kids Don’t Know
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm