remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
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You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
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My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.