omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices