my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
