Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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