I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
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