I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
