Heybabeimwearingurpanties
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
